Relationships/Dysphoria
I was raised on the idea that every princess has a prince and the other way round. I was sheltered as I grew up to the point that I didn't even know that there was such a thing as being gay till I was 10. For me, the idea that a guy could be with a guy or a girl with a girl was something that made my brain explode. Even if it was such a new concept to me, I accepted it as completely normal almost immediately. A little bit later I realized that I was bisexual.
It was strange to look back to the life I had lived up to that point and realize that I had felt this way all along. I just thought that the way I felt about girls and boys was completely normal, that every person felt like that towards their friends. I never knew when I had a crush and when I didn't. The world was so confusing to me growing up, so I hid in all the books that my mom got from the bookstore.
A few years ago I started to notice that being called she/her made me feel awful. It wasn't hearing my name and hating it that showed me that something was off. Mostly because my family uses peoples names more than their pronouns, so I had always hated my name. I am known within my family for constantly changing my name when I was little. I had changed it to names like Daisy, Lily, and other ones that I can't really remember. They never felt right.
When I had finally realized what all the things I felt meant, it was like a small weight off of my shoulders. Sure, there are so many awful things that I go through and that I will go through. The dysphoria alone is a lot to deal with. People who don't have dysphoria really don't understand just how awful it is. Some days I feel like tearing my skin off, some days I hide in my hoodie and hardly talk because the sound of my voice makes me sick, and then some rare days I am uncomfortable but happy enough to keep it out of my mind.
Anyway, going away from that and back to my original subject. If I was cis and bi, relationships would be so much easier. Relationships are hard no matter what, that is obvious from all the different relationships I have witnessed in my family. What I meant was that if I was a cis girl, the guy that I can't seem to get over would have dated me. Don't worry, he is one of the nicest guys at my school. He immediately used the right pronouns and has never been mean to me. He even imformed me for a bit what others said.
Anyway, I feel it would have been easier. I wouldn't have to figure out if people liked me because of the gender I am or the one on my birth certificate. The fact that I am trans has made my dad's greatest wish come true. His tiny child will never date anyone.
That was a bit sad, but let me explain a bit. There was one person that there was a possiblity with and I did date them, for four months actually. Now, however, the only people that could like me for who I am, are my ex's closest friends. I met them after I met him. It is weird to realize that unless I date someone younger than me, I won't be dating for the rest of high school. Any guy that liked me before I was out, doesn't anymore because they are straight. The only gay guy at my school likes someone that, well, lets just say I don't go near him.
For a trans person before getting T or E or any surgeries, it is very very difficult to find someone who likes you for who you are. I once tried to explain this to my childhood best friend, lets just call him... Brandon. Well, actually, what I was explaining was dysphoria. I asked him how he would feel if his penis was missing. Like there was an empty space, like the normal weight down there was gone. That was the first time I think I really got him to understand. That may have been a very tiny part, but it is progress. Maybe he won't be homophobic and transphobic one day.
Anyway, going away from that and back to my original subject. If I was cis and bi, relationships would be so much easier. Relationships are hard no matter what, that is obvious from all the different relationships I have witnessed in my family. What I meant was that if I was a cis girl, the guy that I can't seem to get over would have dated me. Don't worry, he is one of the nicest guys at my school. He immediately used the right pronouns and has never been mean to me. He even imformed me for a bit what others said.
Anyway, I feel it would have been easier. I wouldn't have to figure out if people liked me because of the gender I am or the one on my birth certificate. The fact that I am trans has made my dad's greatest wish come true. His tiny child will never date anyone.
That was a bit sad, but let me explain a bit. There was one person that there was a possiblity with and I did date them, for four months actually. Now, however, the only people that could like me for who I am, are my ex's closest friends. I met them after I met him. It is weird to realize that unless I date someone younger than me, I won't be dating for the rest of high school. Any guy that liked me before I was out, doesn't anymore because they are straight. The only gay guy at my school likes someone that, well, lets just say I don't go near him.
For a trans person before getting T or E or any surgeries, it is very very difficult to find someone who likes you for who you are. I once tried to explain this to my childhood best friend, lets just call him... Brandon. Well, actually, what I was explaining was dysphoria. I asked him how he would feel if his penis was missing. Like there was an empty space, like the normal weight down there was gone. That was the first time I think I really got him to understand. That may have been a very tiny part, but it is progress. Maybe he won't be homophobic and transphobic one day.
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